The Fuckit List

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Last year as I hit my preliminary expiry date, (before developing my own little virtual mind dump on the internet), I asked my Facebook friends for some advice on one of the most common questions I had been asked in that 12 months. That query was, “What had I put on my ‘Bucket List?” For those of you who for some reason haven’t come across this term, this is a list of things to do before you die.

To be honest, being a cantankerous middle aged man of simple pleasures and limited imagination, I’m pretty happy sharing time with my family, and spending a Saturday night watching Match of the Day with a cold beer; even if my team’s usual performance normally inspires me to further foreshorten my already limited time on this planet.

However, those frequent enquiries into my shamefully unambitious plans motivated me to start a ‘Fuckit List'; an index of indifference, a catalogue of clichéd ambitions that I refuse to set myself as a measure my life’s contentment, success and validity. (Tony Hancock is alive and well and lives in me.)

The lists below include my own thoughts but also the helpful advice of some other volunteers. I’ll keep adding as flashes of inspiration strike me. Please feel free to offer advice of any underwhelming experiences you suggest I should avoid.

Obviously I wouldn’t want you to think I’m all lugubrious cynic so to ensure a healthy balance I have included a nice positive, and in some cases even achievable, bucket list. A few of which have already been ticked off. Again, please feel free to offer your suggestions!

Fuckit List

  1. Don’t go swimming with dolphins
  2. Don’t climb Mount Kilimanjaro
  3. Don’t run the London Marathon
  4. Do not go and see the Northern Lights
  5. Do not do a parachute or bungee jump
Bucket List

  1. Make my wife and kids smile once a day
  2. Start a shameless website
  3. Drink a bottle of wine from the year I was born
  4. Swim with great white sharks
  5. Best man at my brother’s wedding
  6. Spend a night in a police cell
  7. Convince the kids the Princess Bride is the greatest film ever
  8. Learn to play the guitar
  9. Find a kebab that tastes good before I get drunk
  10. Star in a tabloid newspaper problem page photo story
  11. See Liverpool Football Club win the Premier League
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25 Comments. Leave new

Have an MP live in the REAL WORLD

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I did say achievable didn’t I?

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Well I’m looking forward to see what you want to do to achieve #6 :)

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It will probably be related to #5…

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Stop supporting Tottenham Hotspur (Alf Ramsey played when I started). Then they will start winning.
This works in reverse as you may tell from Man U’s performance lately

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Well I’ve nailed number 6. Attempting number 7 but failing so far (kids are arseholes) and I’ve seen Liverpool win at Anfield. Unfortunately it was against Brentford (the team I was supporting) in the FA cup quarter finals in 1989 which was even sadder because the winners of this match went through to the semis and went to Hillsborough…

Loving the fuckit list by the way xx

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I covered Liverpool at Anfield by going to watch them play Fulham. Actually though on current form I may have to up the ante and say watch Liverpool win the Premiership!

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#9 – Chicken shish is the or a Kofte are my only suggestions to remedy this.
#6 – I have both prison officer & police friends/family so could arrange it am sure… ;)

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Need an edit button: #9 – Chicken shish or a Kofte are my only suggestions to remedy this.

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It just has to be done, sorry mate…. http://youtu.be/sTJ7AzBIJoI

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The most annoying thing about that whole thing is the amount of truth in it. Especially now that I hear it again fifteen years later and think yes I should have been kinder to my knees. Grrr.

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Lee and I can help you tick off #9 no probs, let’s arrange a date with you and Sarah to come visit ‘The Turk of the town’ in our Manor xx

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Okay but the whole point is that it has to be a doner kebab. None of your quality recognisable meat, that’s just cheating.

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Did you get to sleep in a police cell ! I once stayed in a hostel in Australia that used to be a prison ! was totally strange when the doors were closed !

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I’m with you on no.7. Already indoctrinated Olly at the age of two! But to be honest with two parents who like the film and a godfather who does as well. There isn’t much room for him not too!!

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That’s fine, you can have a doner! Lee says ‘they are for the win’ (though I’m not entirely sure I agree) ok, well you can come and have at least an ‘above average’ sober kebab with us x

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Sounds delightfully promising and utterly worthy of it’s place on the bucket list, can’t wait:-)

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Swimming with dolphins in the wild is a life dream for me but since you have it on your fuck it list, I would edit your no.4 with whale sharks, they are stunning creatures..

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My brother has done that I think and was equally impressed. It was actually someone else’s idea I should swim with Jaws. I think they are trying to usher me down the mortal aisle a little more quickly; they didn’t mention shark cages…

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Diane Payne (@Daubergine)
April 3, 2014 11:12 AM

I’ve never had a bucket list either – but I do have fuckit money :) It’s not a huge amount (what’s left from my critical illness payout nearly 8 years ago) but a while after I got the incurable diagnosis I took out £300 in cash, to just spend as and when I fancied. It felt amazingly luxurious – an expensive lipstick, an unplanned meal out, a few bits of clothing that I happened to just see and like. All the better for not going out trying to spend it, I had it in an envelope in my bag for whenever the opportunity arose. A bigger chunk is soon to go on a holiday – nothing exotic of course, I can’t be insured for that – but one we will enjoy, and not worry too much about spending as little as possible!
As for No. 8 – have you got a wii? Get Guitar Hero, it’s brilliant fun, ‘almost’ like playing a real guitar :)

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That’s a great idea Diane, although I think my wife has been doing that for the last ten years and long before my diagnosis!:-)

I actually decided to go the whole hog on the guitar thing and got myself a semi decent guitar, I’m still not very good though. My practice time has been hammered since I started this writing malarkey too! Fortunately I have a few friends who are great guitarists and been able to give me plenty of lessons and tips.

Enjoy that holiday!

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Scottish Nicola
April 3, 2014 1:25 PM

I’m wondering if it might be tricky to find any great white sharks willing to swim with a “cantankerous middle aged man”…

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Good point Nicola,

I don’t know if sharks have bucket lists, but if they do I doubt I’m on them.

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I’ve had to update watching Liverpool win a game at Anfield (ticked anyway now) to see them win the Premiership! Now that, I didn’t see coming in my lifetime even if I had lived to a biblical age…

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Have a go at Scuba diving, bloody brilliant, you might not see a great white shark but believe me you can just as easily ship yr pants when a conga eel comes at you….. To be found in numerous places along our coastline :)

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