So there I am busying myself around the house not really achieving much when the doorbell goes. Maybe it’s my delivery of Gravity on Blu Ray. As I approach the door I can see through the window it’s no such luck, not unless UPS has started employing elderly ladies in tea cosy hats.
They are in tag team formation and I feel there is going to be some kind of demand for commitment coming. Too late though, the same advantage I have of spotting them they also share, and hiding behind the sofa is not an option.
“Hello there!” I say with a less than completely genuine smile as I open the door. I feel guilty already, could there be two more innocuous and pleasant looking ladies in the whole of our middle class town?
The one at the front has a folder in hand, while the one behind wears a supportive smile; she’s probably the muscle. “I know people are busy, so can I just leave you one of these?”
Wow that was easy. I look at a pamphlet that has been offered to me. ‘Would You Like to Know the Truth?’
Well of course I would! Who wouldn’t?! Hang on though, this isn’t Edward Snowden and Julian Assange at my door. I am not getting an incredible insight into the secret machinations of our government’s dark practices. As I look at the next level of font, I realise this is something altogether more sinister; this is God trying to sneak in…they don’t even declare themselves Jehovah’s Witnesses anymore.
“Oh, I have to tell you. You have the wrong house. Of all the houses, you definitely have the wrong house…or…” Suddenly an idea illuminates the interior of my head. “…maybe not, maybe you have come to the exactly the right house! Wait there.” I go back inside and return with my recently delivered www.whothehelldoeshethinkheis.com business cards. “Here, I’ll read yours if you read mine.”
The leading missionary, still maintaining her enthusiastic smile, (I can tell it’s starting to hurt) looks down at the card and reads. ‘Who The Hell Does He Think He Is?’ Er…’The Unfettered Mind of a Terminally Ill Twat’. Oh…
“Are you the engineer?”
“No I write that website. I promise to read yours, if you read mine.”
The supporting missionary, without the benefit of a business card is still smiling, albeit a little bemused.
“Okay then, thank you. Goodbye.” Says the first.
I hope they come back, I feel like I need the mental exercise and it’s been a long time since I helped anyone lose their religion. Anyway I’m going to go one better than just read the pamphlet, just click below if you would like to know the truth…